Everyone I know is pregnant. My very best friend is pregnant. Two other close friends from grad school are pregnant. Several other girls in our group of friends and my husband’s friends are pregnant. Many of my friends have at least one baby, some are pregnant with their 2nd. At 28 years old, I don’t feel that old. I don’t feel like I’m behind the curve. But this must really be the age where it hits you. There are very few couples that I know who have been married for over a year who don’t already have a baby or one on the way.
It’s mind boggling. How can it possibly be so easy for almost everyone, and for us it is impossible? It really gets me when I know they only tried for a month or 2. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t understand it. I feel like they haven’t earned it, if that makes sense. But I guess someone’s gotta be the 1 out of 10, statistically speaking.
There are definitely a few friends that I’m aware of who have had bumps in the road, a few who have miscarried. I’m sure there are a few who are trying, and haven’t been able to conceive, but the majority seem to be doing just fine.
RANT: What is really starting to annoy me are the co-workers, who are really just acquaintances, who ask me when we’re going to have a baby. The question began the day I returned from my honeymoon and hasn’t stopped. I made the mistake of telling a few that we might start trying fairly quickly after the wedding, so I’m not sure what it looks like now that almost a year has passed. You’d think maybe they’d connect the dots. That maybe it isn’t happening for us? No. They still ask on a weekly basis.
I found out that 2 of my friends were pregnant within 15 minutes of each other when we got together for a girls night in March. I ended up drinking all the wine by myself. For the first friend, I held it together fairly well. When the second friend announced the same thing moments later, I practically had to run into the bathroom before I lost it. I drove home that night and scream-cried. My sisters and I can be very emotionally boisterous people. We scream-laugh, when something is hilarious, and we scream-cry, when we are completely upset by something. I don’t think there’s any other way to describe that sound.
I talked to my best friend the next day, and tried to explain how I was feeling. I don’t want to make her feel guilty, as she is pregnant, but I don’t think that’s the case. She gets it. As I told her how upset I’d gotten the night before, I said it’s just very hard to separate my happiness for them, from my own sadness. It’s not that I’m not happy for them, but it just hits me that much harder that they have what I can’t have. And I really don’t think that any of it is fair.