The only test I can’t pass

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but I’ve always done well on tests.  I’ve always had good grades, been on the high honor roll, took advanced classes, etc.  I pass every exam, driver’s test, CPR course that comes my way.

It didn’t all necessarily come naturally; I would work for it.  I was a neurotic child, the kind who would cry if she forgot her homework on the kitchen table.  I remember bawling my eyes out in 3rd grade when I got a 103 instead of 104 on my spelling test, because I forgot to capitalize one of the bonus words, “Spanish”.  (Seriously)

I’m still neurotic, and I definitely think I have some tendencies bordering on OCD, but I like to stay on top of things.  And I worry.  I worry way too much.  I worry for days when I say things that might have offended someone; I worry over the things I didn’t say.  Now, I constantly worry that we may never get to experience having our own child.

So back to test-taking, it came as a shock, when no matter how hard we tried,  I could not pass this test.  I could never make 2 lines appear on a HPT.  Every month for 8 months (I know this is not that long, but I stopped when we got our male factor diagnosis), I’d pee on a stick once or twice when I thought the time was right, but no dice.  There was a time when I hallucinated and thought I saw a faint line, but it turned out to be a shadow.  My best friend got pregnant TWICE in one month (don’t ask), but me? Never.

It really sucks to be a type A, in-control kind of person, and not be able to pass a freaking pregnancy test, when every 16-year-old on MTV has no trouble, nor anyone on my Facebook feed.  It really feels shitty.

Since I met my husband, everything had gone perfectly according to plan.  He was everything I ever wanted in a potential mate.  After dating for only about 8 months, he bought a house for us, and we started our life together.  When it came time a year after that to get engaged,  I picked out my own ring.  (Neurotic.)  We found the perfect venue for the wedding, and since we started planning so early, we got everything we wanted.

When you are so accustomed to being able to get what you want if you work hard enough, it is such a helpless feeling to want something so bad, and to then find out there isn’t a damn thing you can do to get it.

I’m keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that modern medicine can make our bodies do what they’re supposed to do.  I’m putting all my faith into our RE, who seems not only brilliant, but very kind, that he can make this work.

It has to. If I couldn’t handle not getting a perfect score on a 3rd grade spelling test, can you imagine my reaction to that?

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2 thoughts on “The only test I can’t pass

  1. Oh love, I know. Believe me I know. I’m not type A and I definitely didn’t get straight A’s in school, but nonetheless – I have never worked so hard for anything in my life and been such a colossal failure. Maybe those people who have babies easily are just going for their HS diploma and we’re getting our doctorate – takes sooo much longer but we’ll be so much more appreciative ( not to mention have the vocabulary of actual doctors on the reproductive system).

    We should be facebook buddies – my presence on your newsfeed will be baaaaaby free.

    I am magically WILLING you to have a baby.

    • I guess we’ll have to work as hard at baby-making as I did for those spelling tests, ha!

      Re: the doctorate, that’s why I am perpetually annoyed with all my silly friends. Our medical/reproductive intelligence now far surpasses them all, but they’re the ones who are all knocked up! I’m pretty sure most of them don’t reeeally understand how they got pregnant.

      Yes! Let’s be Facebook friends. How do we make this happen? In a constant barraging of sonograms, your baby-free presence would be very much appreciated!

      Sending you LOTS of positive non-denominational fertility vibes 😉

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