The Sads

As my “About” says, I am a generally happy girl trying to stay sane during infertility.  I have a tendency to overreact, but I like to think I usually have the normal emotional response in a given situation, whether it’s happy, mad, excited, sad.  My husband might disagree (he think’s I cray) but he married me anyway, so it can’t be all that bad.  I have never felt like I might actually be depressed.  I get a little anxious at times, but that’s normal, right?

Infertility is like a weird wrench in my psyche.  Ever since February when we got our severe MFI diagnosis (beyond my own low fertility), I feel different.  The first few days afterward, I was constantly on the verge of tears.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night, and just being completely horrified.  It felt like a nightmare.  I laid there for hours wide awake, trying not to throw up.

As the weeks went on, and reality sank in,  I adjusted to it slightly,  but I still had the occasional screaming/crying outburst in my car on the way to work.  As the months have passed, and all my dearest friends have wound up pregnant,  it’s continued to be difficult.  I already feel bitter.  I feel jaded.  It’s only been 5 months since the diagnosis! And we haven’t even completed our first IVF yet!

So now that IVF #1 is pending,  I’m feeling super emotional.  Like listening to the Radiohead pandora station non-stop and weeping in my car.  Pitiful, I know.  This should NOT be my mindset going into this.  What am I doing?

I’m worried about my emotional well-being.  I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to go through multiple cycles, and how I’m going to deal if they don’t work.  I know my husband is strong enough for the both of us, but that’s not how this works.

I know I should try to embrace a much more positive, zen-like outlook on the whole thing, but how does one do that when you just feel like shit?

If anyone has any suggestions, I’m up for anything.  Yoga, meditation, acupuncture (maybe.)

What is the normal emotional response for this nightmarish rollercoaster we’re all on?

Please let me know how you’re feeling, and how you cope.


18 thoughts on “The Sads

  1. I think you cope exactly how you’re coping. Some days you’re fine, some days you feel like shit.That’s about it in a nutshell.

    I think it’s better to have a few days where you’re listening to radiohead on pandora and weeping (which is exactly one of my masochistic favorites, by the way) and really let it all OUT. For me it’s better to have a few days to be a total bummer and get it out of my system so I can eventually breathe, then it is to live with it constantly bubbling right under the surface.

    Meditation, sure. Breathing exercises, sure. Trying to focus on the fact that all you can do is what they tell you and the rest is out of your hands – necessary. And there’s no sense in worrying about cycle #2 now – you’re on cycle #1 and it can work. If it doesn’t and you have to do another one, you’ll be able to handle it when it comes.

    Trust me – before I did cycle #1 I was totally freaked out about ever having to do it again, ever. And then when I found out I had to.. Not my favorite, but not the big bad boogie monster I was using to torture myself with earlier.

    Me I tend to focus on the funny and ridiculous, that’s what helps me.. I know, I know, close your mouth.

    • Jenny, don’t you dare close your mouth ever!

      Thank you. This is kinda what I needed to hear. You see, I live with the most level-headed, even-keeled man on the planet. So when I find myself holding back tears on a regular basis, and he’s just sitting there smiling, confidently saying everything will be OK, I think to myself, am I overreacting?

      I know I jump to conclusions. Before we even began TTC, I thought I wouldn’t be very fertile. Then when my periods were irregular for 8 months I thought there was no way I was ovulating. When we got our MFI diagnosis and they said “here, try these HCG injections for 4 months, they MIGHT work”, I thought, those aren’t gonna work.

      So here we are at IVF, the last stop on this crazy train, and I’m not sure how to stay positive. I mean, I was right all those other times!

      Anywho, one thing that makes me happy in the face of all this shit is new infertile friends, and your funny and ridiculous blog. Laughter is probably the best thing for us all. (NOT Radiohead) 😉

      • However you are handling it if you’re not in prison for murder you are amazeballs, USA.

        And oh my, my husband is a robot of even-keeledness. (Yes I just made up a word). I think this is a good thing even if it makes us feel like a pain in the ass by comparison – if only for the fact that if he started getting emotional at every doctor appointment that would really freak me out, I’d go numb and immediately into a dancing bear routine.

        I say do the Radiohead thing, get it allllll out, and then just try breathing because the train has left the station and it’s out of your hands now. And you know – 100 years ago this shit wouldn’t have existed, we wouldn’t know each other, we’d just be that one sad barren woman in town who does far too much cross stitching.

        All of my extremities are crossed! If I can do it you can do it.

      • I think about that ALL the time. Like holy f, if we were my grandmother’s generation, we’d be screwed.

        Thank god for modern medicine because cross-stitching is bullshit! 🙂

  2. Hey, this post just made me go back and read your other posts. It is really really freaky how similar our situation is. I wanted to blog through our first IVF experience, which is due to start in the next few weeks but right now, with 5 pregnancies announced this week, I just feel too blah to do anything. I’m now following you & wanted to wish you luck. Try acupuncture – it’s a godsend & I’m not a hippy (ok maybe I am now but I wasn’t!!) x

    • Hi new friend! We’re TWINS! Doesn’t it suck?

      Don’t feel blah, write about it! It just might help. Trust me, I feel your pain, though. My best friend is pregnant, 2 of my other dear friends are pregnant (found out about them with 15 minutes of the other, what a fun girls’ night that was!), and just about everyone else in our circle already has their first baby and is planning #2.

      Since my husband might have abandoned me if I hadn’t found an outlet for all my ranting, I have found in a short time that blogging and finding people who can REALLY relate helps tremendously.

      Thanks for the well wishes, and good luck to you as well. Let’s be cycle buddies!

      PS- Maybe I’ll look into acupuncture, a lot of people seem to swear by it!

      • It really does suck! But it’s nice to know that it sucks for others too, especially when everyone in a ten mile radius is finding it all so freaking easy.

        I may just go and write another blog post and give it another shot, what’s the worst that can happen?!

        2 of the 5 pregnancies that I found out about this week are second babies – both girls that started trying for baby number one at the same time or shortly after I did.

        Yay my first cycle buddy! x

  3. Whatever you need to do to get through this is normal. Everyone deals in their own way in their own time. I’m really sorry you are stuck in the sad zone….I was there a few weeks ago. Instead of fighting it, I just embraced it and listened to emotional music and watched emotional movies…sometimes it feels good to have a good cry (or 20!) And I agree with others, it is important to think about the future and have a rough plan, but it’s most important to focus on the here and now and work your way through that. Just focus on IVF cycle #1…we are in this one together! So just know you are not alone 🙂

    • Ohh thank you lady. That’s how I am. I love a good cry. I just get worried when I’ve been listening to sad music for days and days on end and moping, that I might be taking it a little too far. haha

      As long as I can keep my shit together, and maintain my relationships/job, I’ll consider it a huge success! 😉

      We’re definitely in this one together. And we’re SO close!

  4. Cope? Bwahahahahahaha!
    Er, I might not be the best person to ask that of right now. I would say, just keep a lot of tissues on hand and maybe an ice pack to help with the swelling so you don’t look like you have been bawling your eyes out. Because I was definitely weepy before getting a bunch of BFNs.
    Thanks for coming over and giving me support, it is always appreciated.

  5. I’m so sorry. I think you’re dealing with it great, though. Keeping in touch with other women in similar situations is so therapeutic. And I agree with others that laughing helps a lot. I like “comfort” activities, shows, and people that make me happy and make me laugh. I also find it helpful to do things I’m good at: jogging, my job, and other things that make me feel functional in spite of my reproductive system not functioning so well. I also try to plan things that I can do if I don’t get pregnant. If I’m not pregnant by next year, I’d like to go to Europe in the spring.

    Still, sometimes you feel low and these things don’t help. In those situations, I find that a couple glasses of wine and a good cry work wonders.

    I relate to you- I’m generally a happy person, but also neurotic and tend to worry about the worst possible scenario in all situations. I, too, had a feeling I’d have problems before I started trying, and wah-la! I am. I try to remind myself that most people eventually get pregnant (at least with medical help), but the pessimistic part of me sometimes focuses on the “what-ifs”. It’s important to be positive, but it’s hard if you’re a worrier (like I am).

    Hugs to you. Sometimes it just helps knowing you’re not alone.

    • Ha! We sound so much alike. I focus way too much on the worst case scenario. My husband and his family are so optimistic, and think modern medicine can fix anything. All I can think is, what if it doesn’t? Then what?

      It’s so bad, but I find myself avoiding imagining the positive, with me being pregnant at the end of this. Maybe I just don’t want to psyche myself out, and then be let down if it fails. Yet I have no trouble thinking about the negative. It’s such a bad way to do things. I’m really trying to change that.

      Nothing like wine and a good cry! I guess for now, I’ll be putting the wine on hold. (And maybe the crying too.) At least for the duration of my first cycle! 🙂

      • Yes, my hubby and his family are a bunch of optimists, too! Maybe we pessimists tend to pull them back to reality sometimes, while they lift us up and give us hope.

        I think you’re right that we don’t imagine the positive because we don’t want to be crushed. It’s so miserable, though! I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about things that haven’t happened. If you figure out any good techniques to stop, let me know! I find that it’s worse when there are things in my life happening over which I have no control, or when I hear about a tragic, random event.

        I don’t blame you for putting the wine on hold. I’d do it, too, once treatment started. That’s so tough to do it when you need it the most! 🙂

        I am crossing my fingers for you for this cycle!

      • What’s up with these positive people? Why won’t they wallow with us? Ha!

        I feel you on all that worrying nonsense. I have too much empathy for other people. I can totally break down in tears when I hear a sad story about someone I don’t know. My husband, justifiably, thinks I’m a little nuts.

        Now that a real, sad thing, has happened in our lives, I am deeply affected by it. But we are so lucky to be surrounded by these optimistic people. Can you imagine if they all worried as much as we did? Disaster.

        I’m trying acupuncture to handle my general stress/anxiety, and I like it so far. Only gone twice though. I’m hoping I’ll notice more improvements over the course of this cycle!

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