As my “About” says, I am a generally happy girl trying to stay sane during infertility. I have a tendency to overreact, but I like to think I usually have the normal emotional response in a given situation, whether it’s happy, mad, excited, sad. My husband might disagree (he think’s I cray) but he married me anyway, so it can’t be all that bad. I have never felt like I might actually be depressed. I get a little anxious at times, but that’s normal, right?
Infertility is like a weird wrench in my psyche. Ever since February when we got our severe MFI diagnosis (beyond my own low fertility), I feel different. The first few days afterward, I was constantly on the verge of tears. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, and just being completely horrified. It felt like a nightmare. I laid there for hours wide awake, trying not to throw up.
As the weeks went on, and reality sank in, I adjusted to it slightly, but I still had the occasional screaming/crying outburst in my car on the way to work. As the months have passed, and all my dearest friends have wound up pregnant, it’s continued to be difficult. I already feel bitter. I feel jaded. It’s only been 5 months since the diagnosis! And we haven’t even completed our first IVF yet!
So now that IVF #1 is pending, I’m feeling super emotional. Like listening to the Radiohead pandora station non-stop and weeping in my car. Pitiful, I know. This should NOT be my mindset going into this. What am I doing?
I’m worried about my emotional well-being. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to go through multiple cycles, and how I’m going to deal if they don’t work. I know my husband is strong enough for the both of us, but that’s not how this works.
I know I should try to embrace a much more positive, zen-like outlook on the whole thing, but how does one do that when you just feel like shit?
If anyone has any suggestions, I’m up for anything. Yoga, meditation, acupuncture (maybe.)
What is the normal emotional response for this nightmarish rollercoaster we’re all on?
Please let me know how you’re feeling, and how you cope.