I survived another wedding (and a baby shower) weekend, sans drinks. Well, I did have about a half a glass of white wine at the wedding. Because I wasn’t binge drinking like the rest of my ridiculous old college friends, I was immediately targeted. All the guys at my table said, “You’re not really drinking. You’re pregnant!” So that’s all I heard all night. You’re pregnant! She’s pregnant.
No. I’m not pregnant. I said it over and over. My husband told them to relax. Stop. They didn’t. It didn’t really bother me, but I didn’t want the rumor to pick up speed beyond our table. I wish I had the balls to say, “Actually I’m not pregnant, and that’s a really sensitive subject, so shut the fuck up.” Wouldn’t they feel like a bunch of assholes? Oh well.
Today I had my best friend’s baby shower. I got to drive to the venue with her and help decorate. I sat up at the front with her and kept track of who gave what. Baby showers don’t really upset me, yet. I’m not to the point where I need to run to the bathroom to blot my tears, but I’m afraid I could get there eventually. A few times I caught myself thinking, as much as I love this couple, they don’t deserve this anymore than we do. How messed up is that?
My table was a mish-mash of people, who I had the privilege of sitting with as I was the only common link between most of them. There were 2 very pregnant girls, both on their second. One of them already has a 5 year old, but the other’s first baby won’t even be 1 until October. Awesome.
Another girl at my table is trying for her second. She’s married to one of my husband’s best friends from grade school. Their first was conceived within a few months after their wedding, and she’s almost 1. After the shower, my BF said that she brought up the subject of having another baby with her, and the girl looked all excited, but quickly became really awkward and didn’t say anything. Very suspicious. BF is convinced that this girl is pregnant again based on her reaction. Of course!
I feel like I’m just waiting around for people to tell me they’re pregnant. As soon as I know that a couple is trying, I think, they’ll be pregnant within a few months. So far I’ve been right.
I cannot believe how fucking unlucky we are.
How long can I sit around and watch all my friends lives move forward, if mine doesn’t? I am only in the midst of my first IVF cycle, and I’m hopeful, but terrified. I know there could be a good outcome, but my pessimism always overshadows my hope. I don’t know what I’ll do.
For now, I’ll keep stabbing myself with needles.