What a weekend, & rambling

I survived another wedding (and a baby shower) weekend, sans drinks.  Well, I did have about a half a glass of white wine at the wedding.  Because I wasn’t binge drinking like the rest of my ridiculous old college friends, I was immediately targeted.  All the guys at my table said, “You’re not really drinking.  You’re pregnant!”  So that’s all I heard all night.  You’re pregnant!  She’s pregnant.

No.  I’m not pregnant.  I said it over and over.  My husband told them to relax.  Stop.  They didn’t.  It didn’t really bother me, but I didn’t want the rumor to pick up speed beyond our table.  I wish I had the balls to say, “Actually I’m not pregnant, and that’s a really sensitive subject, so shut the fuck up.”  Wouldn’t they feel like a bunch of assholes?  Oh well.

Today I had my best friend’s baby shower.  I got to drive to the venue with her and help decorate.  I sat up at the front with her and kept track of who gave what.  Baby showers don’t really upset me, yet.  I’m not to the point where I need to run to the bathroom to blot my tears, but I’m afraid I could get there eventually.  A few times I caught myself thinking, as much as I love this couple, they don’t deserve this anymore than we do.  How messed up is that?

My table was a mish-mash of people, who I had the privilege of sitting with as I was the only common link between most of them.  There were 2 very pregnant girls, both on their second.  One of them already has a 5 year old, but the other’s first baby won’t even be 1 until October.  Awesome.

Another girl at my table is trying for her second.  She’s married to one of my husband’s best friends from grade school.  Their first was conceived within a few months after their wedding, and she’s almost 1.  After the shower, my BF said that she brought up the subject of having another baby with her, and the girl looked all excited, but quickly became really awkward and didn’t say anything.  Very suspicious.  BF is convinced that this girl is pregnant again based on her reaction.  Of course!

I feel like I’m just waiting around for people to tell me they’re pregnant.  As soon as I know that a couple is trying, I think, they’ll be pregnant within a few months.  So far I’ve been right.

I cannot believe how fucking unlucky we are.

How long can I sit around and watch all my friends lives move forward, if mine doesn’t?  I am only in the midst of my first IVF cycle, and I’m hopeful, but terrified.  I know there could be a good outcome, but my pessimism always overshadows my hope.  I don’t know what I’ll do.

For now, I’ll keep stabbing myself with needles.


20 thoughts on “What a weekend, & rambling

  1. Amen sister.
    Every time I see a facebook announcement now I think “well of course you’re pregnant, everyone is pregnant” I was at a party (not baby shower) recently where two pregnant girls were complaining about how much it was going to cost to deliver their children. It took all I had not to say “Its costing me 14k to TRY to get pregnant. Stop complaining about your $1700 delivery fee”
    I start stabbing myself Tuesday. Joy.

    • Facebook makes me sick, on a nearly daily basis.
      Doesn’t it just make you want to scream? These people have NO idea how easy they have it.
      Good luck with the needles! Don’t forget to ice! 😉

      • Anyone remember dogbook? I decided they should make youreffingbabybook so I don’t have to see photo updates of their cutest newborns Every Day. I’ve already decided I’m going on a Facebook hiatus if our cycle doesn’t work out…

  2. i totally feel you on the drinks thing. so annoying. once i was out with a friend who just announced she was pregnant. her husband, the ass, offered me a drink because i had finished the one i had. when i denied, he pointed at me and yelled out “you guys are TRYING aren’t you”… i wanted to punch him…

    • People are just so ignorant. Like, do they really think it’s just this easy thing for everybody? If a woman is not drinking, leave it alone. Don’t call her out on it, acting like you figured out her big secret. There could be a variety of reasons she isn’t, and most of them would embarrass both parties. If she’s not addressing it, they shouldn’t either.

  3. This:
    A few times I caught myself thinking, as much as I love this couple, they don’t deserve this anymore than we do.

    And this:
    I feel like I’m just waiting around for people to tell me they’re pregnant.

    I hear you. It’s just so easy for most people. Last week at lunch, a coworker a full decade older than me who recently had a baby was deliberating about when exactly to try for the second one. I was annoyed that she would discuss it with me (we’re not that close) while knowing about my problems. Also, I wanted to scream “Start trying now! You’re not getting any younger! Look at me- I already have problems!”

    I just had lunch with a good friend today. She said that she and her husband will start trying within the next year. I have a bad feeling I may get “lapped” again by someone who started trying after me.

    I’m so sorry that people were harassing you about being pregnant. It’s none of their business, and if only they knew about the pain they cause people by being so nosy and presumptuous.

    You seem like such a nice person, and you do deserve a baby very much. Sending you good thoughts and hugs for this cycle!

    • Thank you, dear. You are too kind. We both deserve it!

      It’s amazing the things people will say, even when they are aware of the situation. I’ll never forget being out to dinner with a large group, when my BF said to them, right in front of me, that she couldn’t IMAGINE not being pregnant by this age, she’d be SO depressed. I was like oh. my. god. Is she serious?

      Speaking of being “lapped”…. My husband got pretty annoyed with me last night because I decided to have a little pity party crying fest as we were going to bed. I was just telling him how hard it is to see all these girls get pregnant constantly, so easily, as many times as they want. Being lapped fucking hurts. He got mad, saying it’s not a race, it’s about OUR family, it doesn’t matter who gets it first. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be affected by it. My feelings are natural, and valid. It really pissed me off that he was telling me that shouldn’t bother me. It’s practically the main reason I get upset on a weekly basis. Everyone else’s pregnant bellies in my face.

      We worked it out of course. He apologized, saying obviously he knows how hard it is, and it’s hard on him as it’s “his fault”. Even though I really don’t blame him for it.

      This shit is rough, that’s all there is to it.

      • Wow- your friend had a major lapse in judgement! It’s amazing how normally nice people can be thoughtless about infertility.

        You are absolutely right that it’s valid to feel sad when you’re lapped. It’s not that we’re jealous or hateful- it just serves as a reminder of what we want that’s proving tough to get. And you wonder, why me? All the while you know that life is unfair, but it still totally and completely sucks!

        I came across a comment on infertility that really hit the nail on the head about why we’re sad when we see others get pregnant easily. Having children is considered a universal experience, and we feel isolated from others as they move ahead without us, and we wonder if we’ll be able to share in this supposedly universal human trajectory. I think we will- but it’s still scary!

        I’m glad that you and your husband worked it out, and I’m so sorry that you had a rough night! I do think that our husbands tend to be much less emotional than us about trying to get pregnant. Mine certainly is! He doesn’t feel my urgency- he’s more of the “Don’t worry it will happen” type, and he told me that he’s cool with it if it doesn’t happen, too. I wish that I was more like that!

        Aw, thanks- we do deserve it.

      • That comment about the ‘universal experience’ really captures the feeling well. It’s what we’ve all thought we’d have someday, just like our parents, our grandparents, everyone. Finding out that that isn’t going to happen without major medical intervention is not an easy thing to deal with. And I still feel just as entitled to it as those around me who do get it easily.

        Guys really just aren’t as emotional about it, you’re right. Even though we have MFI, my husband has always remained strong, positive, encouraging. I have seen him cry maybe once or twice in the last 6 months since our diagnosis. Whereas I cry sometimes once or twice a DAY. I don’t get it. But I guess it’s good that one of us can hold it together. 😉

  4. I agree regarding your comment that when someone announces in front of me “You’re not drinking because you’re PREGNANT!” that I too want to tell them to STFU and that we are doing IVF. Maybe those three letters will make them STFU without me having to actually say it. Although I’m amazed at how many people don’t even know what IVF is or that it’s the SAME as in vitro fertilization.

    I’m here watching with you as friend after friend has a baby, and then another baby. Some of my friends are trying for baby #3 at this point while I’m still praying for baby #1.

    • My heart goes out to you. It’s absolutely no fair.

      People are just idiots. That’s all there is to it. They have no concept of what’s appropriate. They have no idea that pregnancy is not a light and happy subject for all.

      I cannot believe how many people don’t know what IVF means. Maybe I didn’t know all the specific details before I needed to, but I knew what the fucking acronym was. Oy.

      My (pregnant, of course) friend tried to console me recently when I told her our plight, saying that her girlfriend had gone through IVF and was about to have her baby any day now! I wanted her to get in contact with me since we’d be seeing the same doctor. Turns out, the girl had an IUI. People don’t know there’s a difference. I swear, even if I didn’t need to, I would know the difference.

      It’s almost better to glaze over the subject with people, because I’ve quickly realized none of them have a clue what I’m talking about.

  5. I totally get that its so unfair comment…I think to myself all the time how unfair this whole infertility is to…I would not wish this on my worst enemy…to think that your body is failing you and you cant do anything about it is really the worst of it…it hurts even more when you do IVF and you still get a BFN…all you can think about is “really how unlucky can a person be” but you have to pull it together so that you can continue on this journey…wishing you lots of luck!!!

    • Hi there! It is totally unfair. None of us deserve this nonsense.

      That’s one of the things I’m so afraid of. What if we go through this IVF and it doesn’t work? I know it’s a possibility. I know I’ll have to deal with it. But I know it’s going to hurt even more than any of the pain I’ve experienced thus far.

      Thanks for the kind words. We all need lots of luck! 🙂

  6. People suck and they are ignorant…that’s basically what it comes down to. I’m so sorry you had to deal with them! I have 3 weddings and a concert (which we will be taking a bus with 40 people to) the next 4 weekends. I am DREADING the comments that people will say about me not drinking. I thought about trying to look like I’m drinking (club soda and a lime or something like that), but I think that would backfire and end up having people buy me actual drinks. I’ve tried to think of some one liners to make them back off, but I don’t know that I would actually say them. I’ll get through it…I’ll just deflect them to my husband and let him deal with them b/c he’s not bothered by things like that.

    • They certainly are!
      I’ve been doing the club soda with lime thing for the last 3 wedding weekends, and it’s worked like a charm (mostly)! Try it. A few people have tried to buy me drinks, but the more they drink, the less sharp they are. I have easily slipped off to the bathroom as soon as anyone says, “Shots!”
      I’ve also sipped on a little taste of champagne if they give us a toast at the table, maybe a half of a tiny glass. That helps throw people off.
      I think pretending to drink is definitely a lot less explaining than openly “not drinking”. It may have backfired a little bit last weekend, but the 2 weddings before that, no one noticed a thing.

  7. When we were newly married and ppl kept asking when we’d start trying for kids, I came up with a smart reply… “we’re just practicing now to make sure we got the hang of it!”. Shuts em up pretty quick. I’m drafting up a couple for this situation you describe… Something like “gee, I appreciate your compliment but I’ve been trying for 13 months and have tried IVF # and so far it hasn’t happened, but thanks for noticing!” Or “don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know.”
    People are so ignorant and stupid!

    As far as feeling jealous and angry at pregnant people… Don’t feel bad. I think we all feel that at some point! You’ll feel like an awful person & friend. But I look at it as part of the healing process. You can’t get past it if you don’t accept it, feel it, and move on.

    Best of luck with your cycle! I hope the Lupron side effects stay far, far away!

    • Thanks, friend!

      I REALLY like the “Gee, I’ve been trying for 13 months and I’m on to IVF ya DOUCHE (I added that part)” comment. I can only imagine the look on their faces! If only I had the balls to ever say it. I’m getting closer by the day.

      I recently had a guy friend (friends with my husband) try to commiserate with us on how tough this must be, saying he could relate because he and his wife tried for 4 months after their wedding before they conceived, so he “remembers” how hard it can be. Do you? Really? Did you try for over a year and THEN find out you would never get pregnant on your own without major medical intervention. Mmmm no, you absolutely CANNOT relate.

      People are always saying the wrong things. Even our best friends and family seem to be the worst offenders at times.

  8. Ugh I can totally relate to all of you on these stupid quips that people make who don’t even have a clue enough to recognize it might be a sensitive topic for women of child-bearing age. I love it when these clueless colleagues say things like, “had a busy weekend with kids’ activities. Do you have kids? No? Oh, well take your time, there’s no rush because once you do, it never ends.” Open eye, jam in pen.

    Also, I recently had 3 friends lap me in the space of two weeks (after receiving the last BFN) and seriously considered what it would take to disappear to a tropical island and change my name for a while. Thank goodness there are places like this to commiserate.

    P.S. How lovely is this new “Unbaby Me” invention for Facebook: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-501465_162-57493181-501465/unbaby.me-deletes-baby-pictures-from-facebook/

    • Haha I love the unbaby me thing. Too funny. I’ve seen some mommy bloggers up in arms, but I think it’s hilarious. I love my friends and I love babies but seeing them nonstop all day starts to hurt when you’re in this position.

      Ugh. People say the worst things. Yesterday, after disclosing to some people about our IVF cycle, I got, “Oh, but you can PRACTICE on your best friend’s baby!” Omg. That does not make me feel better.

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