I’m like an addict…

I can’t get enough Gonal-F.  Ever since yesterday’s good news I’m psyched to shoot up.  I’m fiending for more!  My follicles need their fix.

On an unrelated note, yesterday my husband said something so sweet, and sad, it almost brought me to tears.  And it reminded me how much infertility has changed us.  After I called him with the news that our cycle would continue, he said when we hung up, he almost started to cry.  Not because he was happy (which he obviously was), but because he was just so relieved that I was finally happy.  It’s been so long since I’ve been genuinely happy about something related to our situation.

Obviously I still laugh, and smile, and joke about things in my daily life.  But there is always that sick, sad feeling, looming in the back of my mind.  And there are a lot of tears.  There is always worry that this won’t work.

Our infertility affects him too, of course,  but I know it affects me so much more.  It’s just a female thing, I think.  If we can’t get pregnant, whatever the cause, that’s it.  That’s all we think about.  It’s life consuming.

I hope we keep getting good news.  I don’t want to be this sad, miserable wife to my husband.  That’s not who he married.  He deserves to see the old me every once in awhile.

Tomorrow morning is another blood draw, and I should be getting more instructions in the afternoon.  I hope they’ll have a better idea of when retrieval might be.  I’m getting restless!

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21 thoughts on “I’m like an addict…

  1. I can really relate to this. This IF journey has me down, down, down. It really is hard to maintain a cheery attitude in the face of such loss and disappointment. Good luck with this cycle! It seems as if you are turning the corner and moving into the homestretch!

  2. Isn’t it awful? This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I know there are much worse things that could happen. But this is the cause of so much suffering, every day. It’s changed me.

    Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m hoping we keep getting good news and can get lucky with this cycle.

    I’ll pop over and catch up with your story! 🙂

    • Oh, I know. People who haven’t experienced this just don’t get it. Sometimes when I break down in front of my friends it’s like they don’t understand why I’m struggling so much, why just talking about it makes me cry. Some of them seem to think that IVF guarantees you a baby. Ha!

      It really is a daily struggle. I don’t even remember what my life was like before this took it over.

  3. I totally relate to this post. I feel like even though I’ve had happy moments, I haven’t been truly happy, or at peace, in well over a year. And it makes me sad because that is most of our marriage.
    Wishing you so much luck with this cycle and that you get more good news today!!

    • Same here. Our wedding was in June 2011, and it really feels like since the beginning, I’ve been consumed with trying to conceive. I’m glad we didn’t “wait” to try, as we were able to discover we had an issue fairly early on. But still, it’s sad that the entire duration of our married life has been affected by this.

      Thanks for the well wishes!!! 🙂

  4. So glad you got some good news!! I was touched by what you shared about your husband crying. You’re in this together. Sending lots of good thoughts!
    -from ICLW

  5. I often wonder if, when our family is complete (when, not if!), I’ll just go back to the bubbly, carefree, smiley person that I used to be. I like to think that actually infertility has taught me
    to be a better person. I am more patient, I look for joy in the little things as I may never have the big things. The other day it was a really dark, clear sky & DH couldn’t find me for ages as I had gone and laid on the patio & was just staring at the stars, thinking nothing. It was bliss. Yesterday there was a huge storm & a torrential downpour & we needed to go out so I put on my Wellington boots, got my umbrella and ran to the car splashing through the puddles and laughing really loud. I think the more negative experiences & emotions that I go through the more sensitive I am to the good stuff. I just imagine that one day the weight will be lifted off of our shoulders and we will soar so f*****g high with our babies in our arms xxx

    • Ahh you are so funny. I love this. I’m definitely trying to embrace all the good moments in life, and even our small feats in this IVF cycle, like the fact that I do have follicles, and they’re growing. That’s a small part of this whole thing, but a success nonetheless.

      I can’t wait til we have those babies in our arms. All these needles and appointments and tears will be nothing compared to that feeling. It will all be worth it.

      • It totally will be. So, what did they say after the blood draw? Are you any closer to a retrieval date? My current estimate is Tuesday 4th September but I haven’t had any monitoring yet, so I could be hugely over or under responding! I have a date with dildo cam at 7am tomorrow. Eek!

      • I’m going this morning for more b/w and scan. On Sunday the doc said likely Friday will be retrieval. I hope things are still looking good today!

        Good luck to you tomorrow!!! 🙂

  6. So glad that everything is moving along!!! After my failed FET my husband told me I never smile anymore. IF just makes you a different person. Sometimes I feel like life is just passing me by! Best of luck to you on this cycle!

  7. ICLW #4. IF is such a dark cloud — it shades everything you do, everything you think, everything you feel while you’re going through it. And honestly? It still shades SO much of my life now. LIke immotileturtle said above, it’s just a weight that changes you. Wishing you the best of luck on this cycle!

    • Thank you so much. I agree with you both. I really hope I come out the other side, but I know when I do, I’ll never look at anything the same. This experience will stay with me forever.

  8. Hi there. Just catching up on my blog reading after a crazy weekend and not feeling well for a few days…

    Sounds like you have a really wonderful hubby who is tuned into your needs – emotional and otherwise. And I’m so glad you are both feeling happy / relieved about your upcoming cycle. 😀 I think attitude really helps in this difficult journey.

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