I’m feeling very appreciative this morning.
I just read a couple articles and blogs that I was linked to through PAIL bloggers, about the effect of infertility on men when MFI is a factor. It brought me back to the dark emotions that took over my life in February 2012. I still remember the voicemail from my RE when he said not to start taking my Femara prescription, as my husband’s sperm was a factor, and “actually quite poor”. We were in such disbelief. Everything changed.
But here I am now, only 16 months later, staring at my baby girl in her lamby Fisher-Price swing. She is perfect. I can’t even believe how lucky we are to have a baby, let alone a healthy baby, let alone a gorgeous baby. It’s hard to believe the despair I was feeling just last year at this time. Not knowing if we’d ever get to experience this.
Often I feel somewhat removed from the pain of infertility. I am so grateful to have her, but now I’m just like any new mom: overwhelmed, overtired, wondering if I’ll ever have a social life again, wondering how I’m going to shower that day. I don’t think about the lengths we went to get here. I’m just living minute to minute, trying to keep her fed, healthy, and happy.
Then there are times like today when I am reminded of the pain. And my eyes well up with happy and sad tears, and I’m extra grateful. And I hope I always remember. It makes the sleepless nights a little easier, it makes me stare at her a little longer, and give her a few extra dozen kisses a day. Our road to this wasn’t an easy one.
I dread having to go through IVF again. I dread the needles, and the anxiety, and the fear. But I’m lucky in that I know it can work. I know that I just as easily could have been someone who had to endure round after round of IVF, or a miscarriage, or something worse.
And when I look at her sweet little face, I know I can go through it again. And I’ll be okay.