Appreciation for my new life

I’m feeling very appreciative this morning.  

I just read a couple articles and blogs that I was linked to through PAIL bloggers, about the effect of infertility on men when MFI is a factor.  It brought me back to the dark emotions that took over my life in February 2012.  I still remember the voicemail from my RE when he said not to start taking my Femara prescription, as my husband’s sperm was a factor, and “actually quite poor”.  We were in such disbelief.  Everything changed. 

But here I am now, only 16 months later, staring at my baby girl in her lamby Fisher-Price swing.  She is perfect.  I can’t even believe how lucky we are to have a baby, let alone a healthy baby, let alone a gorgeous baby.  It’s hard to believe the despair I was feeling just last year at this time.  Not knowing if we’d ever get to experience this.  

Often I feel somewhat removed from the pain of infertility.  I am so grateful to have her, but now I’m just like any new mom: overwhelmed, overtired, wondering if I’ll ever have a social life again, wondering how I’m going to shower that day.  I don’t think about the lengths we went to get here.  I’m just living minute to minute, trying to keep her fed, healthy, and happy.  

Then there are times like today when I am reminded of the pain.  And my eyes well up with happy and sad tears, and I’m extra grateful.  And I hope I always remember.  It makes the sleepless nights a little easier, it makes me stare at her a little longer, and give her a few extra dozen kisses a day.  Our road to this wasn’t an easy one.  

I dread having to go through IVF again.  I dread the needles, and the anxiety, and the fear. But I’m lucky in that I know it can work.  I know that I just as easily could have been someone who had to endure round after round of IVF, or a miscarriage, or something worse.  

And when I look at her sweet little face, I know I can go through it again.  And I’ll be okay.  

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4 thoughts on “Appreciation for my new life

  1. Hi there, I have just read your blog as advised by immotile turtle. I’ve just had a massive bleed at 7 weeks 5 days and she suggested I look to your blog for reassurance. My doctor has also warned me that I might get another one at about 12 weeks, which seems to be exactly what happened to you. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much your blog has reassured me and congratulate you on your miracle xxx

    • Thank you! I remember those early scary days. Seeing bright red blood is terrifying. But just know that it can be perfectly normal! Do you have a SCH? I hope everything is going ok!

      • I don’t know if I have a sch. I didn’t really ask, I was just so relieved, I lost the ability to speak! I will ask them at my 12 week scan. Hopefully it’ll all be easy from now on……. But I doubt it! xxxx

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