My Miscarriage

Well, this week was filled with highs and lows. The high point being when we realized that we somehow had miraculously conceived without the help of IVF or any fertility treatment. The lows…

Everything was going well in the week I’d found out I was pregnant until this past Sunday. My spotting went from occasional brown to frequent red, with increasing volume. I told my husband how worried I was. He still seemed to think it would be okay, since I had a lot of spotting and even occasional gushes in my first successful pregnancy. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for my appointment on Monday at 11.

When I got to the OB I really didn’t know what to expect. Luckily the doctor was behind schedule because of a delivery, and the sono tech was free, so I had my sonogram before my appointment. (I’d really wanted that so we knew we were actually pregnant before discussing it with the doc.) I watched her face after the wand went in, trying to read her expression, she smiled and quickly flipped on the big screen- I knew this was good! There it was, a little moving baby, she guessed “our little bub” was about 8 weeks along. We were shocked and thrilled. It looked just like baby C’s early sonos: a distinct head, arm and leg buds, with visible wiggling. She said the heartbeat was 122, which sounded low to me, but she said it was fine as long as it was over 100. She took measurements and my husband and I gushed with her, sharing our story, saying what a happy surprise this was; he held my hand the whole time as we watched the screen in amazement. When she was done she said the baby measured about 7 weeks 5 days, and the due date was February 26th.

My initial discussion with the doctor a few minutes later was also excited, happy, ‘how could I not have known I was pregnant’ banter. I told her my nipples leaked a couple weeks ago and she laughed that I hadn’t suspected anything. She did a quick breast exam, and then she grabbed the speculum. I told her my spotting had picked up a lot in the last 24 hours. As soon as she got a view her tone went from positive, to downright concerned. “Oh, honey…” I believe were her words. She said there’s so many clots. She told my husband not to look as she cleaned them out. She said the good news was that my cervix was closed. She said she was “cautiously optimistic”, but she wanted me to stay home from work and stay off my feet, hoping the bleeding would stop. I asked her if there was any way progesterone would help, since I’d been on Endometrin in the beginning of my first pregnancy. She put in a call to me RE, and said she’d call me later in the day. Otherwise, she said whatever is going to happen is going to happen, but to go home, lay down, and hopefully the bleeding would stop.

My husband and I got in our separate cars (I had thought I’d be going straight to work), and headed home. We knew we’d have to explain the situation to his mom, who was babysitting C. So, I called my own mother immediately in the car. She was happy, surprised, but I told her the situation, and that it really seemed touch and go.

When we got in our house my husband told his mom we had good news and bad news. As soon as he gave her the basics, I felt a gush. I said “Don’t get too excited, I think this is ending”. I quickly went upstairs and got settled in bed. My husband brought up his iPad so I could watch TV, and try to keep occupied.

Everytime I shifted, or went to the bathroom, I gushed bright red blood. It just kept coming and coming. This went on from about 1-3pm. I didn’t have any noticeable painful cramping, just that heavy, period is coming feeling. At 3:15 I got up to go to the bathroom again and as I sat on the toilet I felt something larger come out quickly, and painlessly. Looking down in the toilet, to my horror and sadness, was gray fetal looking tissue, and what I knew was the baby. I actually grabbed into the toilet water to pick it up and look at it, just to be sure, and then put it back. I stood up I yelled for my husband, and as I moved something even bigger came out into my pad/underwear, a very dark, liver looking piece, which I assumed was placenta.

We went back in the bathroom, I sat on the toilet and let the contents fall in. I looked at him, did the sign of the cross, and flushed the toilet. What a weird situation, to flush a tiny baby down the toilet, but I didn’t really know what else to do. I didn’t have a plan for this moment.

We laid down in bed and held each other for a few minutes and cried. It all had happened so fast, which I guess I’m grateful for. We called my doctor and spoke with her, I told her in detail what happened. She sounded sorry and sad; she said the baby’s due date was her birthday. We scheduled a sonogram for today to confirm that it was a complete miscarriage, which it did today. The sonogram technician seemed genuinely surprised at how fast it all happened. She and I both.

This morning and afternoon the bleeding continued to be pretty heavy, but already it’s tapering off. My OB called this afternoon and left a voicemail, saying she’d gotten word from the tech that it was a MC, and how sorry she was. She spoke with our RE, who explained the Endometrin wouldn’t have helped, which I kind of figured. Then she said just to call if the bleeding doesn’t stop, and if we had any questions, and she wished us the best.

My husband called our RE this morning, and he actually got back to us very quickly, right after we had gotten home from our sad sonogram. Basically, as disappointing as this has been, it is an interesting revelation for future TTC attempts: maybe we won’t have to do IVF again. He also explained that the Endometrin wouldn’t have made a difference. And that my husband’s sperm (even though he has a history of poor quality) wouldn’t have made a “bad” pregnancy: you either get pregnant, or you don’t. And we obviously can make good embryos, as evidenced by our daughter. So that was good to know. He said my husband should definitely come in and give a sample again to see if his fertility has indeed improved, or if this conception was just a total fluke/miracle. He said if that’s the case, and my hormone levels check out, maybe we could do something less invasive like a “fertility pill” (his words) and “shoot the sperm up into the uterus” (also his words). So, we will get to that sometime soon.

This certainly didn’t turn out the way we’d imagined. And it’s something I hope we never have to go through again. But having baby C to hold and kiss makes it a lot easier.

I will always remember that little 8 week old baby on the screen, and am so glad to have gotten a chance to see it wiggling around for a short while, and it’s picture to keep. Xoxo, little one.

Transfer day!

Today was my transfer!  I popped awake at 6 am, after having a weird transfer-related dream.  I felt like a kid on Christmas, way too psyched to sleep.  So I sat and played Scramble with Friends for about 30 minutes (whoever plays, hit me up, I’ll find you!) until my husband woke up.

When we got to the office the RE said we still had 2 high quality, normally growing 4-celled embryos.  They’re so littttle!   Apparently our 3rd embryo stopped growing, but he wasn’t planning on using that one anyway.  The valium made me feel a bit loopy, and I definitely had the urge to empty my bladder, but overall everything was fine.  It was pretty damn cool to see the embryos go in.  We could see 2 tiny little white bubbles at the top of my uterus, where hopefully they’ll continue to do their thing and grow!

He didn’t have to see any patients after me so I got to ask all my questions.  We discussed blastocysts, and 2 vs 3 vs 5 day transfers.  What it comes down to was this 2-day transfer will give us the highest rate of success.  And it made me feel much better.

I’m feeling very hopeful!  I have attached pictures of our future children.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you embryos #2 and #6!

“When are YOU due?”

Today I was walking out of the bathroom at a therapy facility I work at.  An older woman was walking out of the locker room ahead of me, so I ran up to hold the door for her, and she turns back slightly and says, “When are YOU due?”

Ummmm?  This is a first.

I said, “ME?!?!?…… I’m not pregnant.”

All she said was “Oh”, and kept walking.

I won’t blame her as much as I’d blame someone who has all of their mental faculties.  First of all, she was well into her 70s at least.  She wasn’t even facing me, as she was using a walker.  It’s not her fault I was wearing a totally-not-flattering oversized Gap Body t-shirt.  And it’s not her fault that I’m extra sensitive regarding anything pregnancy/babies.  Also, I probably resemble one of the bajillion pregnant brunette therapists who also work there.  She must have thought I was someone else.

I’m not gonna lie.  It bothered me.  I went back into the bathroom to squeeze out a few tears.

Who says that, and then doesn’t even apologize after they KNOW they were totally wrong. I digress…

Today I had my annual gyn appointment/pap.  I go to our local Nurse Midwifery practice.  I’m not sure how I feel about them.  One of their nurses is particularly crass, and I’m not a big fan of that when you’re elbows deep in my NOONERS. (Thank you Stupid Stork.)  But today I had the nice lady.

The nice thing about midwives seems to be their personal touch.  They ask you how you’re doing,  how are you feeling, how was your year? After hearing all about our pending IVF, nice nurse gave me a BIG hug before I left.

I’m just not sure how I feel about continuing care there, if and when I get pregnant.  After paying top dollar for our potential techno-babies,  I’d kinda like to pay top dollar with the best OBGYNS in town, with all the fanciest equipment in their facilities, to ensure NOTHING can go wrong with said techno-babies.  I don’t know.  Does anyone have any experiences with midwives that they’d like to share?

Tomorrow is my mock egg retrieval, as well as IVF teach session on all the drugs/injections.  I can’t wait to shoot up!

Random Sunday night musings

Is it weird that at the ripe old age of 28, I still don’t know my period worth a shit?  I’ll keep talking about this because I have nothing new to report.  I have so many girlfriends whose bodies work the same, every month, like clock-work.  Oh, and they’re all pregnant right now, but that’s besides the point.  Or is it?  Anyway, right now I am at my ‘mid-end of cycle spot for 10 days then stop for a day, then turn a little more period like, but not quite’, phase.  And eventually, it’ll come.  I just don’t know when.  But this is the first month in a very long time (especially since beginning TTC) that I’ve actually wanted it to come.  Like NOW.  Then, I can go to Quest Diagnostics, my favorite place to hang out in the city (eeeew) and take a stat quant HCG test.  And an HIV test, a little bonus I wasn’t aware of.  My blood work script is nothing compared to my husband’s though, which currently consists of every major deadly STD in the world (I will not be seen with him at that appointment).  Anyway, fingers crossed that period will be here stat.

I went out with 2 of my pregnant girlfriends the other night (most are) to see Magic Mike.  First we had dinner, and we got to catch up on pregnancy, babies, and my pitiful infertility tales.  I don’t really know how I feel talking about it with all these Fertiles.  They really just don’t get it.  These two are good friends of mine, and they know because they knew we were “trying”, we were all “trying” at the same time, and it was just too damn hard to keep to myself after I still wasn’t pregnant a year later.  I feel like it’s a lot more painful and isolating to keep it a secret, then it is for the secret to kind of be out in the open with certain friends, but their general cluelessness still irritates me.  I should know, it’s not their fault, they each tried for about a month or 2 off the pill before they easily became pregnant.  They don’t need to know a damn thing about infertility treatments, and especially IVF.  But still, I feel like none of them grasp what an ordeal it is.  I guess I don’t even know what an ordeal it is, yet, but I will.

Magic Mike was full of pregnant chicks.  Every group of girlfriends there had 1-2 pregnants within it.  In the bathroom, as me and my 2 friends washed our hands, another pregnant chick started commiserating with them, and all I could think was, “ughhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Why can’t I be one of them?

Just the beginning

This morning I got my first call from an IVF nurse while I was working with a client.  As soon as I saw BLOCKED on the caller ID my heart was racing.  I couldn’t answer in front of my client, as much as I wanted to.  So I sat there waiting on pins and needles for the session to end so I could call them back.  And this phone call was about NOTHING.  Just basic, getting started info.  They’re going to send some scripts and consent forms in the mail, blabla.   I am seriously going to lose my shit once I’m waiting on the real stuff.  The 2WWs will be an absolute joke.

She said we both have a bit more blood work to do.  My husband has a lot of blood work to do, as well as give a semen sample to be frozen.  I am to call once my period starts, then go and get a pregnancy test before I start the BCP.  A pregnancy test?  Really? I know it’s just a safety thing, but of all the annoying, blood work, lab-related tests I have to go through, this one really seems unnecessary, almost taunting.  No, I am not pregnant.  Of course I’m not pregnant.  But let’s just verify that as often as possible.

Now we’re just waiting on my period to start.  I’m on CD 26, so I could get my period now, or in 9 or 10 days.  You never do know.  And of course, I’ve been spotting for 7 days already.  I really hope that if it’s a hormonal imbalance I have,  it won’t interfere with IVF.  Or if it is, they will be giving me something to take care of it.  I think it could be progesterone.  All I know is it can’t be normal for the back half of my completely irregular, 22-35 day cycle, to be a slow leak.

A glass of wine later and I still need to vent

My best friend said something the other day that made made it very clear to me that while she can try to sympathize with our current situation, she will never understand what I’m going through.  She’ll never feel these feelings.  She will never have this perspective.  Neither will most of my other girlfriends who all have children, my mother, mother-in-law, and I hope not my sisters either (when they someday decide to have children.)  It seems as though everyone in my immediate circle will never feel what I’m feeling.  And that’s when I realize that I feel so isolated and alone.

We were discussing our upcoming IVF consultation.  I was explaining the ins and outs, and she asked about the likelihood of having twins.  I joked, “I hope we have twins!  That would be amazing.  More bang for your buck.” Twins.  That would be the ultimate success for us with IVF.   For IVF to work will feel like a miracle, and to be able to get two babies out of it, when you’re terrified you may never even get one, would be incredible.  And she said, “I don’t understand that.  I am loving being pregnant,  I would never give this experience up.  I look forward to doing it again may times.”  She took what I said to mean that it would be great to get two babies out of an IVF cycle, so I wouldn’t have to deal with being pregnant multiple times.  Oh.  No.  I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be insensitive, but she has no idea.  So I calmly explained that many women who have to do IVF would just be so thrilled to be able to actually conceive A baby, that two at once would be like a dream.

I will happily take morning sickness and feeling like bloated, uncomfortable shit, day in and day out for 9 months, if that would mean I’d get a baby at the end of it.  And I would do it several times too.  If only it would work.

It has to work.