My Miscarriage

Well, this week was filled with highs and lows. The high point being when we realized that we somehow had miraculously conceived without the help of IVF or any fertility treatment. The lows…

Everything was going well in the week I’d found out I was pregnant until this past Sunday. My spotting went from occasional brown to frequent red, with increasing volume. I told my husband how worried I was. He still seemed to think it would be okay, since I had a lot of spotting and even occasional gushes in my first successful pregnancy. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for my appointment on Monday at 11.

When I got to the OB I really didn’t know what to expect. Luckily the doctor was behind schedule because of a delivery, and the sono tech was free, so I had my sonogram before my appointment. (I’d really wanted that so we knew we were actually pregnant before discussing it with the doc.) I watched her face after the wand went in, trying to read her expression, she smiled and quickly flipped on the big screen- I knew this was good! There it was, a little moving baby, she guessed “our little bub” was about 8 weeks along. We were shocked and thrilled. It looked just like baby C’s early sonos: a distinct head, arm and leg buds, with visible wiggling. She said the heartbeat was 122, which sounded low to me, but she said it was fine as long as it was over 100. She took measurements and my husband and I gushed with her, sharing our story, saying what a happy surprise this was; he held my hand the whole time as we watched the screen in amazement. When she was done she said the baby measured about 7 weeks 5 days, and the due date was February 26th.

My initial discussion with the doctor a few minutes later was also excited, happy, ‘how could I not have known I was pregnant’ banter. I told her my nipples leaked a couple weeks ago and she laughed that I hadn’t suspected anything. She did a quick breast exam, and then she grabbed the speculum. I told her my spotting had picked up a lot in the last 24 hours. As soon as she got a view her tone went from positive, to downright concerned. “Oh, honey…” I believe were her words. She said there’s so many clots. She told my husband not to look as she cleaned them out. She said the good news was that my cervix was closed. She said she was “cautiously optimistic”, but she wanted me to stay home from work and stay off my feet, hoping the bleeding would stop. I asked her if there was any way progesterone would help, since I’d been on Endometrin in the beginning of my first pregnancy. She put in a call to me RE, and said she’d call me later in the day. Otherwise, she said whatever is going to happen is going to happen, but to go home, lay down, and hopefully the bleeding would stop.

My husband and I got in our separate cars (I had thought I’d be going straight to work), and headed home. We knew we’d have to explain the situation to his mom, who was babysitting C. So, I called my own mother immediately in the car. She was happy, surprised, but I told her the situation, and that it really seemed touch and go.

When we got in our house my husband told his mom we had good news and bad news. As soon as he gave her the basics, I felt a gush. I said “Don’t get too excited, I think this is ending”. I quickly went upstairs and got settled in bed. My husband brought up his iPad so I could watch TV, and try to keep occupied.

Everytime I shifted, or went to the bathroom, I gushed bright red blood. It just kept coming and coming. This went on from about 1-3pm. I didn’t have any noticeable painful cramping, just that heavy, period is coming feeling. At 3:15 I got up to go to the bathroom again and as I sat on the toilet I felt something larger come out quickly, and painlessly. Looking down in the toilet, to my horror and sadness, was gray fetal looking tissue, and what I knew was the baby. I actually grabbed into the toilet water to pick it up and look at it, just to be sure, and then put it back. I stood up I yelled for my husband, and as I moved something even bigger came out into my pad/underwear, a very dark, liver looking piece, which I assumed was placenta.

We went back in the bathroom, I sat on the toilet and let the contents fall in. I looked at him, did the sign of the cross, and flushed the toilet. What a weird situation, to flush a tiny baby down the toilet, but I didn’t really know what else to do. I didn’t have a plan for this moment.

We laid down in bed and held each other for a few minutes and cried. It all had happened so fast, which I guess I’m grateful for. We called my doctor and spoke with her, I told her in detail what happened. She sounded sorry and sad; she said the baby’s due date was her birthday. We scheduled a sonogram for today to confirm that it was a complete miscarriage, which it did today. The sonogram technician seemed genuinely surprised at how fast it all happened. She and I both.

This morning and afternoon the bleeding continued to be pretty heavy, but already it’s tapering off. My OB called this afternoon and left a voicemail, saying she’d gotten word from the tech that it was a MC, and how sorry she was. She spoke with our RE, who explained the Endometrin wouldn’t have helped, which I kind of figured. Then she said just to call if the bleeding doesn’t stop, and if we had any questions, and she wished us the best.

My husband called our RE this morning, and he actually got back to us very quickly, right after we had gotten home from our sad sonogram. Basically, as disappointing as this has been, it is an interesting revelation for future TTC attempts: maybe we won’t have to do IVF again. He also explained that the Endometrin wouldn’t have made a difference. And that my husband’s sperm (even though he has a history of poor quality) wouldn’t have made a “bad” pregnancy: you either get pregnant, or you don’t. And we obviously can make good embryos, as evidenced by our daughter. So that was good to know. He said my husband should definitely come in and give a sample again to see if his fertility has indeed improved, or if this conception was just a total fluke/miracle. He said if that’s the case, and my hormone levels check out, maybe we could do something less invasive like a “fertility pill” (his words) and “shoot the sperm up into the uterus” (also his words). So, we will get to that sometime soon.

This certainly didn’t turn out the way we’d imagined. And it’s something I hope we never have to go through again. But having baby C to hold and kiss makes it a lot easier.

I will always remember that little 8 week old baby on the screen, and am so glad to have gotten a chance to see it wiggling around for a short while, and it’s picture to keep. Xoxo, little one.